Lying From You
by icaughtfire
Summary: Alex wonders about her past. Hint at Palex femslash. oneshot


**A/N: Here's a oneshot in Alex's POV. I was inspired by a Linkin Park song, because I thought the lyrics fit Alex pretty well. **

This life was getting to be a little much for me. The life I knew now differed vastly from my old life. I had a job, was making decent grades, and I had friends. I couldn't help but think about my past, constantly. I used to stay up late and do drugs and steal. I was generally a crappy person. Sometimes I missed those days, the days I referred to as my independent days. I only needed myself then, using my own wits and street smarts to get me by. I wasn't controlled by everyone else, like I was now.

At times I've thought I've fooled myself. And everyone else. Maybe I'm the ultimate liar. Change can't come so quickly, can it? Most change is gradual. Mine was the exception. I think I could've fallen back into that other world very easily. Being happy is hard. But fooling yourself into thinking that you're happy? That's easy.

I wasn't sure which was better. False happiness, or happiness that was hard to come by.

I felt like I was pretending to be something I'm not. I thought all my life that I was going to amount to nothing, like everyone else in my family. I didn't think I was better, I thought I was below everyone else. I thought of myself as the lowest of the low. But I was happy that way. Now, I had to work for everything. I fought with my mother because she doesn't like the ''new attitude" that I have. And then there were my friendships. I had a lot more friends, which can be a negative thing a lot of the time. I had to be cheery and funny, and an overall good time or they didn't want to be around me. At least, that's how I felt anyway. My mood depended on everyone else now. If someone treated me bad or said something hurtful to me, I felt it. It's a way to really get your feelings hurt. Sometimes, I regretted opening up to anyone.

I gained a new best friend out of this entire process. She and I had nothing in common, but that didn't matter. She drove me crazy sometimes, and I liked that. She always managed to tell the truth. I respected that more than anything else. Paige would say whatever she was thinking, no matter what. She felt bad after saying it, because she didn't think before she spoke, but I personally preferred it that way. I liked to know people's opinions up front, instead of them bullshitting around. She was a real best friend, unlike Amy, who slept with my then-boyfriend. So glad I dumped him. He never treated me like I was worth anything. Though, I never felt like I was worth anything. Maybe he caused me to feel that way, or at least reinforced that feeling. Whatever it was, he had a negative impact on my life.

My old life was like a bad habit, and I was afraid to relapse. More than that, I was afraid I was fooling myself all along. I didn't want to get my hopes up about college and about everything in my life. I didn't want to think I'd amount to something if I wouldn't. I don't take disappointment well, and I really don't like being disappointed in myself.  
I took out my cell phone and flipped it open. It made a soft beeping sound as I did so, and the blue screen lit up. I hit a couple buttons, and called Paige. She'd help me make sense of all my feelings.

''Hello?" Paige sounded tired when she answered the phone. I mentally slapped myself when I gazed at the clock. It was about four in the morning, and normal people were asleep right now. But I was the type to lay in bed for hours, just thinking. Anyway, I was sure she wouldn't mind me calling her in the middle of the night. That's what friends are for, right?

"Paige, its Alex. I am so sorry to be calling you at this time of night, or well, day actually. But I really need to talk about some things." I let it spill out and sighed deeply, feeling a little better already.

"Um, alright. What is it?" Paige mumbled. I smiled to myself. I pictured her snuggled up in her bed, wearing cute pink pajamas and sleeping peacefully. At least, she would have been before I called her. I wondered what she was dreaming about, or if she had even been dreaming. I typically dreamed every night, and always remembered my dreams.

"Were you dreaming when I woke you up?" I asked quickly, licking my lips. This wasn't the reason I called her, but I wanted to know.  
"Yeah, I think I was. But that's not why you called," She continued, and I heard her shuffling around. "Now, tell me what's wrong."

"I was just thinking about how I used to be, and how I am now. How are you sure that I'm not fooling myself into thinking this life is what I want? And what if I slip back into my old habits and the Alex you know dies away?" I didn't mean to sound so blunt, or so scary, but it came out of my mouth before I could stop it. I could almost HEAR Paige smiling at the other end of the phone.

"Hun, you can't fool yourself. You're Alex. Besides, I won't let you get away from me. We're friends, and it's staying that way. End of story, so don't you even try to get out of this one." She laughed. "I love you, girl." She said this part a little more quietly. She'd never said something like that to me. I felt my face twist into a grin.

"I love you, too. You're right. I don't know what I was worrying about. Thank you for not killing me. I would have killed **anyone** who called me at four in the morning." I laughed, closing my eyes and leaning back onto my bed.  
"It's no problem. But I'm going to go back to sleep now, so I'll see you tomorrow." Before I could say anything else, she hung up. I put my phone away, and fell into a much-desired sleep. Of course, I dreamed. I dreamed of the Other Alex. The Alex that got into trouble, The Alex who didn't care what anyone else thought. And in this dream, the "new" Alex talked to the Other Alex. I helped her realize that her life wasn't a thing of beauty, and she needed to change. She said I was crazy, but I knew deep down, she realized what I was saying.

**A/N: Hope you enjoyed this one, because I did enjoy writing it. I refrained from making any Palex love happen, just friendship. Believe me that was hard to do. Now that I've seen Lexicon of Love, I feel like making Paige and Alex make out, 24/7. No one else would mind that either, I'm guessing, but unfortunately it wouldn't make for a very readable story. Oh, and I've been reading a lot more fics lately. There are some really great writers out there! But sadly, for every great writer, there are 10 awful ones. Thank you to everyone whose stories I've been reading lately, you've helped to inspire me.**


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